things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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