my room smells like sperm. sweet.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
