Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize