Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
