My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
