I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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