She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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