took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
