Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We were destined to go to rehab together
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Randomize
