My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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