Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
it wasn't lemon gatorade
She said her name was "party"
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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