he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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