The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
