Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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