a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
