Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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