I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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