i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
