I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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