why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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