I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
