The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
