and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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