Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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