I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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