i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
