that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
