It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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