I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize