Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
