living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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