it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
