we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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