2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
