I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
