My first STD was from a foam party
i barfeds in our rink
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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