i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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