Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
