No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
