I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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