SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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