gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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