Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
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