I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
