I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Randomize