On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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