hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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