This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize