You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
