Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
