I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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