dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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