It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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