just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
