nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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