Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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