you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
