my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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