Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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