i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
