i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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