I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
