I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
