I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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