I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
