4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
